Archive for the ‘Fantasy’ Category

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Dragonslayer

December 25, 2004

4/1982 (extensively revised 12/2004)


The trumpets blew,
their sound acclaimed
the Coming King
enrobed that day.


I heard the sound
like falling rain,
the horses’ hoofs
an age away.


We both arose,
acknowledged pain –
the agony,
the dragon slain.


I was given,
my just reward.
He had earned
a dragon’s hoard.


For mine was human,
his was not.
My time, the present –
his, forgot.


Yet we both were happy
my friend and me.
We both slew our dragons,
Although he went free.




This is one of my poems that underwent some rewrites as a result of feedback I received from other poets in the Yahoo Groups “the_poetry_corner“.  I think it is a much stronger poem now thanks to their efforts, and it serves to me as an example of how poetry can be enhanced when readers share their opinions with authors.  The first stanza here originally read as follows (italics used to mark changes in the final):


The trumpets blew,
their sound acclaimed
the Coming King
enrobed in mist.


I heard the sound
like falling rain,
the horses’ hoofs
an age betwixt.


I also received some ideas and encouragement to reshuffle stanzas 4 and 5 which originally read:


For mine was human,
his was not.
My time, the present –
his, forgot.


I went to prison,
He got
 reward.
I had no wealth,
He, a
hoard.


One place I did not take some advice offered was in the last line.  I kind of like the interruption of “Although he went free.”  I like the fact that it takes you out of rhythm and makes you stop and tumble over it.  Some suggestions I received were to change the word “Although” to “But”, “Though” or “Still”.  Do you think I made the right choice?

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I Took a Trip to Saturn

December 25, 2004

12/25/04


I took a trip to Saturn
The other day at noon.
And on my way I found
A realistic man.


He said “You should abandon;
It’s much too far to walk.
You’ve got no wings to fly;
And gravity’s too strong.”


I sat and thought and pondered
On all that he had said
My back turned toward the path
When suddenly I found –


A lone idealist who
Encouraged me to try
“For failure hurts far less
Than pain of the unknown.”


I made my trip to Saturn
The other day at noon
The planet welcomed me
With her Maternal arms.