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The Angry Winds

August 30, 2005

REVISION 1:

The angry winds scream
dropping heavy pregnant rain
on flooded rooftops.
The breaking water gives birth
to waterfalls of chaos.

ORIGINAL:

The angry winds blow,
dropping heavy pregnant rain
on flooded rooftops.
The falling water becomes
a waterfall of chaos.

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5 comments

  1. yeah this is better


  2. Were you inspired by the fury of Katrina?


  3. Scream is a better choice than blow. “gives birth/to” is much better than “becomes/a”

    Depending on how minimalist you’re going (at least fairly with a 5 line poem) you might try dropping “heavy,” since that idea is present in the pregant idea; and changing the more active “gives birth/to” to an even more active “births”

    Just some thoughts.

    I’ve thought about writing a “Katrina poem” but I wasn’t sure if I could pull it off. I think you’ve managed nicely to capture the imagery of the danger and aggressiveness of nature without, well, making it “just” a “Katrina poem.” Hope that makes sense, because I’m having trouble expressing what is a pretty clear idea in my head. Good job. 😉


  4. The angry winds scream
    dropping heavy pregnant rain
    on flooded rooftops.
    The breaking water gives birth
    to waterfalls of chaos.

    Hi thank you for taking the time to visit my blog..

    I loved the way you wrote this one…here is my impression on rain :

    Countless rain drops
    falling from the sky
    Cleansing my soul


  5. Very nice revision – the theme/metaphor here is more consistant this way.



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