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Unfinished business…

December 27, 2004

I am trying something different with today’s post.  Here are the opening two stanzas to a poem I began working on today.  My problem is I don’t know where to go with it and I am looking for some suggestions.  Who is the I in this poem?  Who are the two figures?  Are they both reflections of the same person?


I like the meter and rhyme scheme.  Do you?  Should there be a change in the next stanza?


Leave your feedback and I will work on the piece and post it when I am finished.




Looking elsewhere I can see
A person who inspires me
With all his generosity
And genuine concern.


Looking inward though I fear
Shows a very different sphere
I see self-concern held dear
From what I can discern.

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3 comments

  1. This comment moved from the old blog site — original date lost.

    Hmm, this could turn into something most interesting! I suppose this could
    be about someone who is struggling within themselves to balance concern for
    self with concern for others– like they want to be a charitable person
    (like other people they know/see) but fear that giving too much could leave
    themselves by the wayside. OR, my second interpretation is a person who is
    much admired for their philanthropy/ charitable activities, etc. but the 1st
    person in the poem has the ability to see beyond the facade others can’t,
    and realizes that at the root of this person’s generosity is really a
    selfish desire for personal glory. Just my .02

    The rhyme and meter are great! Would love to see how this turns out . . .


  2. This comment moved from the old blog site — original date lost.

    My instinct is that you need one more stanza which unites the perspective of the first two into one. My first thought while reading the poem was that it was that the narrator was viewing himself from two different perspectives (but perhaps was not aware of this?) that he was unable to reconcile. That reconciliation is what your third stanza can describe.

    Keep your rhyme/meter, I think. With 3 stanzas, you end up with:

    a
    a
    a
    b

    c
    c
    c
    b

    d
    d
    d
    b

    which looks quite nice I think.


  3. Hi,

    First and foremost, I would like to say that you are an awesome writer. I think the poem could go many ways. One interesting thought would be for all the characters to be one and the same. Maybe the first character is looking deep down inside him/her self and evaluates his/her heart, mind, personality, and spirit from every aspect. The second person could be the conscience that reveals all the mysterious secrets that the main character thinks he/she is hiding. When all is recieved by “both parties” all you have left is a naked self… a vulnerable human being who has let him/her self down but slowly rises.
    It’s only a thought. I really hope it helps you. I can’t wait until I see the finished product. The rhyme and meter are great. Can I share some of my work?



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